- Heya, fellas! - Heya, Frank!
[car sputters]
- [Frank sighs] - [Susan] Daddy's home! Time for dinner.
I made pigs in blankets.
Oh, my favorite. Thanks, honey.
Dad, do you know anything about magnets?
A buddy from the war has one in his head.
We used to throw paper clips at it. Does that help you?
Daddy, I got an "A" on my spelling test!
Oh, that's wonderful, princess.
Well, I guess His Royal Highness has finally decided to join us.
Yeah, I'm high, all right.
All right, guys, dig in.
Oh, so I gotta tell ya,
the funniest thing happened at work today.
Ed calls a mandatory meeting,
we go to the break room, and he's just bragging about his new tie.
- [chuckles] So then I says to Ed... - [phone ringing]
Jesus Christ. I'm not answering that.
Frank, you should answer it. What if somebody got hurt?
Nobody ever gets hurt at supper, Susan, OK?
It's always some goddamn salesman, and I'm not answering it.
Dad, we all know you're gonna answer it.
You don't know a goddamn thing about me.
What if it's important?
I sweated blood at that airport for 12 hours today,
and what's important to me is I have just one moment of peace with my family,
enjoying a delicious home-cooked meal.
Is that too much to ask? I'm not answering it.
[ringing continues]
Shit.
Murphy residence.
Oh, let me tell you something, you goddamn son of a bitch.
I don't need a goddamn engraved family Bible!
You see? You see? What did I say?
Every goddamn time. I am eating dinner with my family, young man!
I don't need a $25 Bible to teach me about God.
I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I have met God!
What did you just say to me?
Ah, you come down here and you say that to me like a man!
I swear I'll pull your tongue out through your goddamn neck!
[growling, shrieking]
Why do they have to put the goddamn things on the wall?
Frank, calm down.
Yeah, "Frank, calm down, calm down." It's always "Frank, calm down!"
Why's it always me, Susan? How about a little support? Huh?
Would that kill ya?
- [exhales, chuckles] - [low thuds in garage]
So, how was school?
Goddamn punk, calling me at supper. Huh? Huh?
Won't even come to my door like a man?!
Hi, Mr. Murphy. Can Billy come out and play?
Get the fuck outta here!
[voice echoing]
[up-tempo song playing]
[grunts, screams]
[crickets chirring]
[man on TV] And now, back to Colt Luger.
[motorcycle revs on TV]
[cackling]
It's time to die, Luger.
Is that so, Boneskull?
Well, I say it's time you took a bath... in your own blood!
- Here it comes. Here it comes. - [gunshot on TV]
- [grunts, screams] - [bike crashing]
- [clicking] - [Frank] Oh, he's out of bullets!
[woman on TV] Colt, they're gonna kill us!
They'll try, Sweet Cakes.
But what can you do?
- Sometimes a man's gotta do... - [thudding]
- ...what a man does. - What a man does.
See? You see that? That right there, that is a man.
- That is a stunt man. - What was that?
- Nothing. - That's enough, Kevin.
Your father already had his dinner ruined, don't you ruin his favorite show.
It's one of his few joys in life.
[man on TV] Colt Luger will return after these messages.
Ah, shit, commercials.
It's the heavyweight boxing event of the decade.
Haywood "Big Skillet" Shavers defends his title against Irish Mickey Ireland,
out to avenge his heartbreaking loss,
forever known now as "The Bleedin' in Sweden!"
The slaughter starts at nine, on Sunday Bloody Sunday!
Right after an all new There's a Fairy On My Shoulder.
That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey.
He would've beat Shavers the last time, but lost on a technicality
'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't.
He lost because he was drunk.
Hey, Sue, I gotta have everybody over to watch this.
Some food, some beer. I'll throw one of my "Frank's Famous Fight Parties"
- for the whole neighborhood. - That's a great idea.
I know. You better start cooking, good looking.
Can I watch the fight too?
No. This is gonna be a grown-up party,
so you kids are gonna have to stay in your rooms.
Close the door and lock 'em.
Oh, this is gonna be fun, Sue. I mean, this is gonna be big.
You can put my chair right in the middle of the room, right in front of the TV.
Get some that good bottled beer.
- And make that "Frank's Special Chip Dip." - [plop in toilet]
You know, with cream cheese and chili in a can?
- [dryer whirring] - [yelling] And those fancy potato chips
that come in a tin!
We can use it as a garbage can after!
And maybe some...
[panting] Those...those deviled eggs? Can you make some of those?
[Susan] Yeah. Are you gonna stuff the eggs?
- Oh, you're the best, sweet cakes. - Stuff 'em!
- You're the best! Oh!
Oh, you're the best!
Have fun! Come home when the streetlights come on!
Don't go playing with those dirty kids down the end of the block.
- They probably have chiggers! - [kids] We won't!
What do you want to do?
[Southern accent] We found a rusty lawn mower in the woods.
[Southern accent] Dare you to lick it.
[Maureen] How much will you give me?
Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street.
I don't want any half-slut grandkids.
- We're not doing anything. - Neither was I.
That's how you got here!
That's a fine boy you got there, Frank.
Ah, he's a fuckin' animal.
Street sign: yes.
Magnetic attraction has many properties. Actually, too many to mention.
[slobbering sounds]
What the hell are you doing?
Tastes like Momma's gun.
- Give it back, Kenny! - [Kenny growls]
Oh, you'll never get it now.
Bite down hard, Ken!
[growls]
[magnet clangs]
Oh, man, that's the Nazi's house. He's gonna kill me!
Who's a Nazi, Ben?
You know, that German guy in that there house.
Kids all say he's Hitler's little brother.
Yeah, yeah, and he hunts down kids.
Shut up, he's gonna hear you!
[all gasp]
[door creaking]
[German accent] Well, hello.
Do you need some help?
[voice wavering] No, I'm OK.
Oh, please, it is my pleasure.
It's OK, I got it.
He almost got you!
You see that number on his arm? That's how many people he's killed.
It's a scoreboard!
Have a wonderful day, children!
Oh, it is gonna be one hell of a fight party.
Sue is going all out.
She's making those deviled eggs you like.
She's got the Rice Krispies with the toothpick things in there.
All right? We got plenty of booze. Everyone's coming.
- Everybody's getting loaded. - I can bring a Jell-O loaf!
Jell-O? Babe, this is a fight,
not a party for someone with stomach cancer.
Yeah, the thing is, actually, it's... [chuckles]
It's a little delicate, but uh...
we've already been invited to watch the fight over at, uh...
at Vic's.
Vic's? Wait, we always watch the fight at my house.
I am the fight host on this block!
And why the hell would you want to hang out with that guy anyways? Huh?
What, do you like his hair, and his car, acting all Hollywood?
You can't see through that phony positivity?
"Hey, guys! You need some help? Oh, have a great day!"
Fucking asshole. Last time, I'm walking with my wife, my woman,
he's got the nerve to go, "Hey, Frank, you're a lucky man."
"Lucky man"? Luck had nothing to do with it, punk!
Hey, Frank, take it easy, take it easy.
Nothing against you, we just kind of like him.
- For one thing, he smells great. - He's got you there, Frank.
[car approaching]
Ah, Christ. Here he comes.
[rock music playing]
- [tires squealing] - [music stops]
Hola, amigos!
- Just the men I want to see. - [woman] Mm...
Would you look at that jerk, carrying on like he's a goddamn astronaut.
Probably has the clap.
Kitty Kat, make me some mac and chee. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.
- [slap] - [giggles]
Hey, so how about that fight?
Big Skillet's gonna kill that pasty booze-bag.
Hey, where's your loyalty? You're white.
So what? Black dudes are cool.
You ever seen one naked? I do all the time.
Big stars, too.
Oh, yeah? Which ones?
One of the Four Tops was washing his armpits in the men's room
at the radio station just last week.
He was the main one, I think. We made eye contact.
Good guy.
Hey, Frank, it'd be righteous if you joined us to watch the fight at my house.
Thirty-two inches of living color.
Thirty-two inches?
- That's pretty big. - Up here, Babe.
Well, thanks, but you're a little late.
Everyone in the neighborhood is coming over to watch the fight
on my new color set. It's 33 inches.
[Vic] They make 'em that size?
- They do for me. - Out of sight.
You got it all going on. I bet you're digging the skin you're in.
You bet your ass I am.
Hey, Vic! It's hot.
- About to get hotter. See ya, fellas! - [Kitty Kat giggles]
Eh, Frank, I look through your window every night. I've never seen a color TV.
- It's great that you got one! - Yeah. I was gonna surprise you.
Well, it's gonna be one hell of a party.
[shouts] Frank got himself a new color TV!
- It's 33 inches! - [German man] Oh, that's wunderbar!
Oh, shit.
That was bitchin'! [groans]
[all] Ew...
- My turn! - Hold your balls!
Look out... [voice slows] ...below!
Oh, he's gone too far.
[crashing]
[boy] What the shit was that?
Oh, my God, big kids! Run!
[grunts, forced chuckle]
Hiya, Jimmy. Sorry about your house.
It's not my house, shit stain. It's my clubhouse.
And I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.
- [barrel clangs] - Huh?
Little pussy! Get back here, Murphy, and let me fuckin' kill you!
Frank, why did you do that? We can't afford a big color TV.
Well, I can't afford not to have one now.
Things were said in that driveway that cannot be unsaid.
This is all the money we have saved in the world.
It's Kevin's college fund.
Come on, Sue. We both know Kevin's not going to college.
That's not the point. I just wish you'd told me.
All I'm saying is you don't get to make big financial decisions like this
- by yourself. - Then agree with me.
That way we both decided together.
OK. All I ask is that we stay within our budget.
Absolutely. We will not spend one more dime than...
- [both gasp] - Sweet Jesus.
[slow love song playing]
- [music stops] - I see you know your TVs.
This is the Sonabishi Color Plex here.
It is the biggest and heaviest television on the market.
Mm, this varnish. It's so decadent.
It was hand-rubbed in Korea.
Huh. [gasps]
- Wow. - [softly] We don't have that much cash.
We're $50 short.
I know, but I need this, Sue.
Oh, I need this.
You know, I'll tell you what. We could finance that last $50
at a point above prime: 26 percent.
Sold.
[both moaning]
- Come on, just touch it a little. - No.
- I won't tell anybody. - No.
- Then let me touch you. - No.
Come on, you're so pretty and you're so cool,
and I really like you,
and you're the only one I want to touch it.
All right, but only over your pants.
Oh, thank you so much.
Kevin! Billy's getting killed by some big kids!
Now? Son of a bitch!
Ow!
- Cut it out! This isn't funny anymore! - [boys laughing]
Leave me alone, you jerks!
Please!
- [boy] Yeah! - Stop it!
Oh, I'm gonna be a cop!
- [Billy] Ouch! - [Kevin] Jimmy!
Shit, it's Kevin Murphy!
Oh, hey, Kevin.
[whimpers] Oh, man!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[groaning, sobs] Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man!
Thanks, Kevin.
[grunts] Oh!
[sobbing]
Kids, this right here is an example of what can be yours
if you're willing to work hard
and go the extra mile to give your family the nice things in life.
You are not to touch this unless I say so,
and I am never gonna say so. Is that understood?
- OK. - Yes.
Good. Now go to bed.
Are you ready?
We did it, Sue. We made it.
Pull the knob.
[upbeat intro music plays]
- [man on TV] This is the ABS Evening News. - [audience laughs]
[woman] You're not exactly Joe Namath yourself!
[man 2 on TV] No, Your Honor, the defense does not rest.
[crowd on TV gasps]
[man 3 on TV] Ladies and gentlemen: Evel Knievel.
[upbeat music]
- [snoring] - ["Star-Spangled Banner" plays on TV]
- [static hissing] - [continues snoring]
- [clanks] - [yawns] Toaster: yes.
[man on TV] Good morning. Channel Nine begins its broadcast day with What It Is?
A discussion of today's issues facing today's black community, today.
With your host, Jim Jeffords.
A happy Sunday to all.
So how do you people feel about these election results?
I mean, now that the Civil Rights era has drawn to a close and we're all equal now.
You know, not that you're going to be marrying my daughter or anything. [laughs]
[woman on TV] You have an interesting way of phrasing things, Mr. Jeffords.
[Jeffords] Thank you, Ms. Unchacka.
- [snoring] - [woman] It wasn't a compliment.
It's The Nickel and Pickle Show!
- In col...! - [sound distorting]
- [hissing, sizzling] - Huh?
[gasps]
[normal audio resumes]
[static hissing]
[audio distorting]
[static hissing]
[softly] No, no, no, no, no!
[softly] What the hell are you doing?
I put the magnet on the TV and now I can't make it go back!
See? This is what doing your homework gets you.
All right, pretend to be asleep. You were never there. It'll be fine.
[Frank] What the hell?
[louder] What the hell?
Ah, you got to be shittin' me! Susan!
[Susan] Frank, what is it? [louder] What the hell?!
What happened to it?
- It was like this when I woke up! - Maybe you watched it too long!
Oh, for Christ's sake, I didn't watch it too long! It's brand new!
Well, did you pour water down it?
- No, I didn't pour water down it! - Don't yell at me!
- You're undermining me! - No, I'm not!
- The hell you're not! - I'm not!
Why the fuck would I pour water down it?
- What is it?! - You're on the side of the TV!
No one is on the side of the TV.
How could this happen?
I know what happened.
- I know exactly what happened here. - [softly] Play dead or you will be.
[Frank] That slick son of a bitch down at the TV store sold me a lemon!
- [sighs] - Oh, you're so lucky.
- [men grunting] - Goddamn Korean-rubbed piece of shit.
[barking]
[Frank] Major, you're not going anywhere.
Get back inside, you stupid maniac!
You need some help, Frank?
- Everything's fine. - His new TV's on the fritz!
- Goddamn it, Goomer. - Well, let me help you out, buddy!
Hold that thought.
- I like your shorts. - I know.
One, two, three, lift!
All right. Here we go.
Keep on truckin', chief.
I'll be back in a second. I have to go burn this shirt.
[man on TV] Feminist Focus, with your host, Jim Jeffords.
Thank you for joining us, ladies. May I say, you all look super hot.
You ever think people would listen to your opinions more if you brushed your hair?
- You... - [static hissing]
There you have it. A lemon.
So, uh...how we gonna do this? Refund, new set?
So what happened here? Pour water down the back?
Why do people keep asking me that?
Why on earth would I pour water down the back of my own television set?
- OK, look, sir... - You call me "sir" like you mean it.
This TV worked perfectly when it left the store, so we're not responsible.
Not responsible? I spent $640 on this thing.
Then you should've sprung the extra five on the warranty. [chortles]
Let me tell you something, you goddamn son of a bitch.
- Now, Frank... - "Now Frank, now Frank" nothing!
I am gonna speak!
You think you can put on slacks and talk to a grown man like that?
Well, do ya? This is not how business is done.
I am a customer of this store of long standing.
I bought a radio back here when there was no TV
and you, sir, were still in your dad's balls!
[shouting] Now I have been wronged in this transaction! Get off of me!
I have been wronged in this transaction and I have 14 people,
an entire cul-de-sac, coming to my home tonight
to watch the fight on my color television!
So you need to rectify this situation!
Now what do you plan on doing about it?
Tell you what I can do.
I'll hold the door open for you so you can carry it back to the car.
Maybe you should've gotten the warranty.
[growling]
If they didn't sell us a lemon and you didn't break it, then who did?
Oh, Sue, I don't know who...
Those fuckin' animals.
You kids either really think I'm dumb, or you don't respect me.
- Or both. - Thanks, honey, I got this.
That TV was fine when it left the store, and I sure as hell didn't break it!
- Now one of you did! - And whoever it was,
I want you to know that thanks to you, your father went to that TV store
- and made a fool of himself. - Oh, OK, Sue, thank you.
No, they need to hear this.
Your poor father made himself look like a lunatic because of you.
- Jesus Christ, Sue. - And now,
he has to watch the fight at Vic's while the whole neighborhood laughs at him!
They got it! Nobody is leaving this couch until I know who did this.
- Did you break my TV? - It wasn't me, Daddy.
Ah, I know it wasn't, princess. You can go.
- Can you give me a quarter for ice cream? - I don't have one.
- Did you break my TV? - No.
- Did he break my TV? - No.
- Did he break my TV?! - No.
- Who broke my TV? - We don't know.
One of you is a liar. Are you a liar?
- Didn't do it! - All right.
So that's how it's gonna be? Very well.
We will sit here all day
until one of you respects us enough to tell the truth.
- Dad... - I did it. I broke your new TV.
- You did? - Yeah, it was me.
Ah-ha! I knew it! How?
I poured water down it.
[sputters] Poured water...Why the hell would you pour water down it?
I'll tell you why. 'Cause you got no respect, that's why.
Oh, yeah? Well guess what, genius? I didn't do it!
You didn't? Then why the hell would you tell me you did?
- Because I fucking hate you! - [gasps]
[door slams]
[softly] Frank?
[airplane soars above]
[gas hissing]
[coughing]
[hacking, gagging]
You have something you want to tell me?
[sniffling]
I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean it.
I can't look at you right now. I might kill you.
It's not so much that you broke my TV. It's that you lied to me.
We are taking you right down to that store,
and you are gonna march right up to that salesman
and apologize for what you did,
and for making your father humiliate himself.
There were so many people we knew in that store.
Oh, Sue, for the love of Christ!
So I kicked the guy's ass, jumped into my car,
and I got to the Civic right as Grand Funk was taking the stage. It was insane.
Just another page out of my life journey.
- Did a bum shit in your mouth? - [door opens, closes]
- Can I help you? - Um, my dad told me to...
I know who your old man is. That's the guy who poured water in the Sonabishi.
He didn't pour water in it.
He sent you here to give me the sob story? Too chicken to face me, huh?
He's not chicken. I just...
Nice old man you got there, sending a kid to bitch and moan for him.
Unbelievable. Now get outta here.
Go tell your dad he's a bigger punk than I thought.
Or just stand there pissing yourself, makes no difference to me.
Did I tell you how the Army didn't take me because they said my dick was too big?
I mean, I can't help it. I can't help what I got.
Not complaining about it, but really wanted to fight for our country.
[man on TV] Hey, Luger!
You're one dead gringo.
Oh, is that so, Escobar?
Sí. Are you going to run, or do you got the cajones to stand and fight?
Well, sometimes a man's gotta do...
- what a man does. - What a man does.
[distorted static]
- [gunfire] - Ay, Chihuahua!
[audio sizzling]
[static hissing]
I ain't buying this piece of shit.
What the fuck is this?
Jesus, Chuck, what in the hell is wrong with all these TVs?
[stammers] I don't know, Dad. We never had a problem with these before.
Well, we sure as shit do now! I mean, Christ, they're all defective!
Pull the receipts of everyone we sold these to.
Uh, excuse me, sir. My dad bought one of those.
The Pattonhouse is a better model.
The Sonabishi is good, but we must've got a bad bunch from overseas.
Those Orientals don't do good work. Their hands are too small.
Again, my apologies for the defective product.
And...
Sorry I raised my voice to you, sir.
Uh...OK. Thank you.
- What happened in there? - Well...
I know what happened. I know exactly what happened.
I finally won one! I won!
[yelling] You hear that, world? Frank Murphy's not a loser!
- Frank Murphy's a wi... - [horn blaring]
[Frank] Whoa! Watch it!
Ha-ha! Those Koreans'll never kill me!
[male announcer] And the fighters are approaching the ring!
- You can cut the excitement with a knife! - [indistinct chatter]
Hey, here we go, here we go!
[announcer] Shavers and Ireland meet in the center of the ring
for the traditional greeting.
[man] There's something kind of red there on Mickey's face.
Oh, my God, is he bleeding already?
I'll tell you, Ernie, he was wearing a turtleneck earlier.
Those are tough to get off at this altitude.
Hey, your hero Vic is over there watching it alone.
[scoffs] Some party.
[announcer] We don't hold out many hopes for the challenger tonight,
- but he keeps on coming. - Yeah, poor guy.
- Hey, where do you think you're going? - Uh...
- Finish my science project. - No, you're not.
Come over here and watch the fight with the rest of the men.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
- [bell clangs] - [Frank] OK, here we go! Here we go!
[excited chatter]
One sip. Don't tell your mother.
[announcer chatters indistinctly]
Oh, no, they gotta stop this.
[Frank] That's it, Mickey, that's it, let him punch himself out!
[announcer] And there goes the mouthpiece!
Oh, it's gonna be a long and painful night for the Irishman!
[crickets chirring]
- [phone ringing] - [Frank] Ah, shit.
Does it ever fail?
Just answer it.
Goddamn it. This better be good.
He's dead?
[stammers] OK. Yeah, of course.
Of course, yeah.
- Who died? - My boss, Ed.
There was an accident at the airport.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
They want me to come in early tomorrow to cover his shift.
Sue, I think I just got promoted to management.
I think you did, too.
You know what? I think our luck is finally turning around.
Jesus, Frank, a man is dead.
- Yeah, but he was kind of a dick. - Frank!
You know, if this had happened a week ago, we could've got a bigger TV.
- Frank! - [Kevin] Guys, I'm trying to sleep!
[Frank shouts] Then close your eyes and shut the fuck up!
[crickets chirring]
- [gunshot] - [casing clatters]